I can cope with a certain amount of verbal abuse.
I can cope with tantrums, screaming, shouting, slamming doors.
I can even live with PDA's (public displays of anger).
But, being spoken to like I am something that has been scraped off the bottom of a shoe, I can not stand. It is the one thing about being a parent that I really struggle with.
This whole parenting lark is a bit of a roller coaster, I get that. One minute you are riding high and everything is wonderful, exciting, thrilling. The next minute you are speeding downwards and you lose control. Things can definitely get messy.
I don't particularly like the tantrums, the bad behaviour and all that comes with it, but as a parent, you expect a certain amount. I like to consider it part of the process to producing good adults. Children have to be naughty in order to learn how to be better, to be good. As parents, our job is to guide them through those murky waters of the terrible twos, threes, thirteens into a calm and fruitful and happy adulthood.
All good as long as they don't do the tone thing. I'm sure you know that tone. I call it utter contempt. It is sneering and mocking and telling me that in spite of them being much smaller and many years younger than you, it is OK to talk to you like you are nothing; less than nothing and I can't stand it.
I went through it with O; my eldest son. I still get it from him now but to a much lesser degree; usually when he's tired or stressed. The reigning champion of utter contempt is L. Aged seven, this boy has disdain down to a fine art I can tell you.
The problem with that 'tone' is that it immediately gets my back up and I have a tendency to overreact. I can't help it. It just makes me so cross.
The way I see it is that I do my job as a parent quite well. I am not perfect. I get cross sometimes. I get stressed sometimes, but I do not deserve to be spoken to like that. It's not fair. I don't speak to the children like that.
L is going through a particularly challenging period at the moment; which I will write about it more detail another time, but when he gets into the 'tone zone' as I like to fondly describe it, the more you tell him off, the more contemptuous the tone becomes. I have had to back off a few times to let him calm down or I think we might be at loggerheads for a very long time.
Unfortunately, it isn't just me either. He uses the 'tone' everywhere; school, football, the childminders, Beavers, he doesn't discriminate. I am constantly trying to explain to home that it is not a good way to talk and I am making a great effort to talk softly and nicely to him in an attempt to stop it. Failing that I may inadvertently tell him that it is against the law (he has a very irrational fear of the police), but that would be very mean ... wouldn't it?
I am sorry for what you're going through but fear not, I am as well. In fact, it was the difficulty of what happpened this evening (I tweeted about it a bit). My 5 year old can be such an a**. The tone. The sighs. The tantrums,. the everything. I know it's process but ffs!!!! Thank God he can also be lovely or I'd be a very unhappy person! You are not alone. Thank you for this blog. It has, oddly brightened my mood. No offense, but it helps to know I am not alone! And neither is he. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks no offence taken, I have no doubt that there are lots of kids like it. L is lovely most of the time, in fact he swings from being very lovely to being horrendous and there isn't much in between. I hop you manage to get through it, I just hope that it is a phase and that it will pass eventually.
DeleteOh dear, poor you. I've had to put up with some crap from my kids over the years - particularly the eldest, but this isn't something I've ever come across. I hope he snaps out of it soon. x
ReplyDeleteDo it tell him he'll be banged to rights and be locked up for 2 nights and get a criminal records or the lesser one which is "do you want to go to naughtyland?" Where all the naughty boys and girls go and its not much fun there I can tell you. Seriously though hope you find a solution xx
ReplyDeleteI'm getting a lot of attitude at the moment and it is mostly just me that gets it. And the younger one is learning it from the older one, which is really sad. And I tend to react wrongly - end up shouting far too often. I know I should ignore it as far as possible, or just calmly turn away or state that she has upset me. But sometimes I just can't do that!
ReplyDeleteNo advice. But you're not alone.
It's that transition from little boy to bigger boy hormones a foot .. Hugs stand firm
ReplyDelete